Hello all! After much persuasion and joyfully reading a blog of a dear friend, I was inspired to start one of my own! I find that I journal rather compulsively so this may or may not be effective. I guess we’ll just have to see how this goes, now won’t we? I’m always open to new adventures!
It’s a little rainy outside, a rather cool morning which is nice because I can open the windows rather than turn on the AC (I need to buy a few fans). Although it is a tad chilly for May…hooray for psychotic Midwest weather. I started reading 1 Samuel this morning. I don’t know what compelled me to open my bible (I admit that the scant few times I’ve tried to read anything out of it in the past years haven’t gotten me much of anywhere), or what drew me to that particular book. The end of verse 2.25 made me stop and grab my pen: “His sons, however, did not listen to their father’s rebuke, for it was the Lord’s will to put them to death.” I have friends of many different beliefs and am often confronted with arguments against mine that I don’t agree with, but I can never find the words for an appropriate response. I am able to, especially this morning, understand where they’re coming from and why they question the things that they do. I even share some of these questions myself. Exploring these questions hasn’t made me weaker in my faith, but stronger, because the more I am presented with what I can’t reason against or wrap my own head around and things I wonder about, the more certain I feel that despite all of those things that should break me down there is something inside me causing me to keep believing. This has made me see the world in a different way, my faith not necessarily included in this. I can’t explain it. I’ve been finding that I tend to think in colors instead of words. But I’ve been forced to look at what’s around me and behind me and before me and actually see it.
It is 8:49 AM. I woke up this morning at 4:30 to a phone call, and went to breakfast with a good friend. Perhaps our conversation is what compelled me to grab my small leather bible? I couldn’t tell you what part of it would have had that effect. But after beginning to read 1 Samuel my heart was filled with many different colors and emotions and my thoughts strayed from both the talk of the morning and the words on the page and I was struck with memories from my past that I hadn’t before paid much attention to. Recently I’ve had the fleeting impression that I’m at a point where I’m not really doing anything – in life, I mean. And I wondered what I did to fill all of that time in the last 20 years of my life and have felt like I’ve had a rather pathetic existence thus far. The friend I had breakfast with so early this morning (maybe another reason it’s on the brain) once asked me, “What are we doing?” Like, in life. I’d never thought deeply about it, and didn’t have an answer. Recently I started speculating and wondering myself. I still don’t have an answer, so maybe while reading this to you that question isn’t really relevant, or perhaps the answer comes easily to you, and you think it should be obvious to me, in which case I’m glad for you that your thoughts are clearer than mine …but right now in this moment it means everything to me and the answer doesn’t hit me like a bolt of lightning. I suppose I have an idea but am unable to eloquently say what that idea is. It feel’s just out of my reach, but as I said, I was struck with specific memories. Maybe there are some who would call my existence thus far pathetic and unproductive, but I look back and I recognize that everything in my life – trivial things I brushed off as irrelevant, friendships I had for the scant span of my eighth year of life – has prepared me for who I am now, for the daily battles I face both internally and externally, for the people I meet and the versatile demons I have to encounter. Blessings and curses meshed together, and I don’t believe in coincidence. Everything happens for a reason. We may not understand it, sometimes we never will, and sometimes what we discover may be hard to accept. But sometimes we look back and laugh silently to ourselves, maybe cry, give a nod of our head, and whisper “That’s it.” It doesn’t solve the problems we still face or take away the pain involved, but hopefully it gives one a realization, a deeper sense of the now and how it will affect what is to come. Maybe some will find a personal answer to my earlier question: “What are we doing?” I still don’t have one, but asking it doesn’t feel so hopeless or helpless anymore.
I realize I didn’t explore this here as deeply as I could have, but you can be assured that it’ll be tumbling in my head throughout the day. My mind also went a few different places throughout this spiel, hopefully you followed my train of thought somewhat, and I both apologize to and thank those who took the time to read it. I realize I left some things open-ended, presented incomplete thoughts, babbled my way through, perhaps I made you think – but without questioning and searching and finding I think life would be quite dull, don’t you?
Here’s a quick heart warmer, a story about hope to leave you with: Two weeks before the end of school, a Wednesday, in fact, my roommate and I, along with a couple of our friends, were sitting outside Caribou. It was what I would consider a lovely day amidst the awful weather we’ve been experiencing. This man came up to us and asked us to watch his dog while he got a celebratory coffee (Cutest dog ever, by the way. Sweetest thing. So much in love with his two-legged companion). He was a 50 year old recovering drug addict who just graduated college. We should have treated him to his celebratory coffee. He was so light-hearted and absolutely giddy and there was nothing at all aged about his spirit in that moment. So amazing and incredibly uplifting. Such a small, brief interaction, and yet such an encouragement and a reminder that it’s never too late, that beautiful things can happen amidst the ugly, and that those who are lost can find their way. I pray that everyone can find some beauty, some piece of hope within their day. Sometimes you have to look for it, but I pray that for those who are too weary to seek it, it finds them. That being said, I love you all, and I think it’s time for a nap [: Happy Thursday!