Today I was looking online for study abroad programs or volunteer programs. I’m set to graduate a semester early and think I’d like to go overseas that spring. I guess I technically wouldn’t need any more credits, but why not seize an opportunity? Whenever I read something that’s abroad or think about going abroad I feel more relaxed. I feel like I’m better able to get a grasp on my life and what I’m doing. Sometimes I get frantic and don’t know anything and walk around talking like a crazy person and I really am sorry to those who see me often. I’m sure I drive you guys nuts.
I’ve been extremely restless lately, and there are many reasons, but I recognize one of them as stagnancy, a state of inactivity. It’s not that I haven’t been active, quite the contrary, I’ve been quite productive these last couple of weeks! I’ve just been realizing that when I’m in one place for too long I start feeling suffocated – kind of like a frenzied mouse in a maze but he can’t find the cheese. Ha that is an awful analogy but it’s the first one that popped into my head so I decided to go with it. I feel like I get caught in this endless loop. That day after day pattern of doing the same thing. Sure, we switch things up and the schedule can vary, but looking at the whole picture? I don’t see a lot of color.
Confession time: My greatest fear? Getting stuck. The endless loop. I could never live a 9 to 5 life. I don’t know how people do it! I’ve only been in Chicago for two years – not even – and I’m starting to feel like I’m stuck inside a fish tank. I doubt I’ll ever settle down because I can’t be in the same place for long periods of time. The other night a friend and I were talking about exactly this – he’s also currently prepping for adventures abroad – and he said, “You can have stability, or you can have freedom.” I love that. Now, the 9 to 5 life works great for some and they’re perfectly happy with their families and their careers, it’s what they want, and I think people who are capable of living those lives happily are incredibly lucky and blessed! But I don’t envy them that ability because I know I’m not one of those people and quite frankly I don’t know that I want to be. It’s scary to think about, because I have had a stable upbringing, with a family and schooling and a steady source of income and my cats (that is the one problem with not settling down…can I have a cat?) and it’s terrifying that my life might not have a safety net. It’s also exciting. Another quote I absolutely love from our most beloved pirate: “…but what a ship is…what the Black Pearl really is…is freedom.” And if I lived in that time period, I’ve always known I’d have preferred a life at sea to a life on land. Still would, truth be told. In fact, one of the programs I looked at today was called Semester at Sea. Spending a semester on a ship, sailing to all these different countries, meeting all these different people and learning about their cultures while basically living on a boat?? Pretty perfect, if you ask me!
I’m just starting to realize that my performance career feels more like a backup plan, which is kind of funny since they say that if you go into the arts then you should have an alternative backup to that plan, but my sister once said that I tend to do the opposite of what people expect me to do so I’m just doing things backwards! Totally cool. I’m fine with it. But sometimes I do feel like I’m never going to fulfill my longing for my personal pirate’s life, I’ll always think there’s something more that I’m missing and need to go out in search of, just one adventure after another. Doesn’t sound too bad to me. Just one foot in front of the other, one day at a time. That’s all we can do, really. Not having a plan? There are worse things. That’s part of what makes it such fun! Of course I’m saying all of this today, we’ll see how I feel tomorrow :]
Also, as I sit here and write this there is a massive lightning/thunderstorm happening outside my window and in this moment I couldn’t be happier. I’m torn between staying up and basking in it or letting it lull me to sleep. Hoorah for indecisiveness. Maybe I’ll dream about pirates :]