Why do lights make us feel less lonely?
Because light is goodness – light is hope.
With the lights on you don’t think
Your sheets are too big for your meek, craving body.
But turn them off and you’re lost, lying on pavement
Broken and bleeding
With nothing to reach out to, no one to
Scoop you up and cradle your aching bones in their palms.
Light deceives us. Light is temporary.
I always preferred darkness.
Only now I’m caught between fearing it and
Wanting to wrap myself in its curtains.
I can’t sleep with the lights on.
But then I won’t sleep.
I’ll lie awake listening to angry dogs and drunken
Imbeciles and the rattling of my broken screen door.
Put ice cubes down my back and
Soak my feet in the bath.
Do it with the lights off.
I’ll risk being lonely.
It means I once loved
What made the darkness Lovely and complete.
It means I once lived.
It means I once lived and loved living.
At least in those moments.
It means a great many things. Still,
I don’t want to be lonely.
But I don’t want the lights on.