I explained the energy warmup with Bridget in class, but I’ll explain it again here, just because it was so different from the other times. Usually I feel a sort of pressure between our hands, but this time it just felt like air, if that makes sense? A slowly swirling ball of air – swirls of grey and a light, defused blue. As we walked away from each other it felt like something was being pulled from my palms in strings. When we gathered into the big circle my hands went cold for the first time. Then when we closed in, I was outside of Emily and Manny and saw the energy morphing out in my direction and felt the desperate need to keep it even and compact, so I reached forward to push the energy back into the formation of the circle and imagined it all coming and closing together as a dome.
For the first viewpoints flow session, I don’t really know what was happening with the board. It was very important to me, and then I saw them all making their altar and having the same connection with their object so I brought my board over as an offering to join them together, but I was ignored. And then Almanya stole the bag. So I walked away. That’s about it.
I loved how everyone was kind of on the same wavelength with this one concerning the hospital and terminal illnesses. I wasn’t in a hospital, but I was sick. I was a little girl and my sickness made it hard for me to walk. I had kind of a Secret Garden thing going on. Almanya was my older sister and when I came out from behind the piano it was like I was being released from where I had been locked up, and I wasn’t used to using my legs so much and Almanya was helping me and protecting me. I got genuinely annoyed and angry and scared when Miranda came up to me with the wristband cult. I wanted to be left alone and she just tried to take my wristband and I was like, “No, why are you trying to take something from me!” It freaked me out and Almanya was there to protect me. But then Miranda stormed off and I felt bad because Courtney and Jen seemed really sweet so I let them exchange wristbands with me, making my first friends outside of my sister. I still stuck to Almanya and watched her and looked to her. At one point I didn’t know what to do with myself so I picked up a chair and clutched it to myself like it was a pillow – a piece of comfort in this strange world – and watched the wristband situation around the girls with a hat.
The third one was so emotional. I don’t even know what happened. I instantly knew Ted and I were in a relationship, and I instantly knew it was sad, that we had just been in a fight of some sort. It was when he took the chair I was sitting with that I knew it was an abusive relationship. He took it away and I felt empty and alone. The chairs became a very strong representation of my self and my inner strength. Him taking the chair was him taking my away from myself. He was stacking chairs and blocks by the wall, always busy, and always thinking of himself. I stood there and watched, nervous and unsure about how to approach him. I felt meek, guilty and apologetic. I sat on the stacked chairs to apologize and to support him, stand behind him, because I believed that he was right and justified in the way he was treating me. Him and I had kept making eye contact, but his face was fairly expressionless. Then he got down on the ground and him and Almanya were looking at each other through the holes in the blocks, and so he cheated on me with Almanya. I walked to other side of the room to get away from it and then I saw more chairs I could bring him to stack, but when I turned to go back he had abandoned his stacking project against the wall and was holding hands with Bridget. I also saw them all disassembling Ted’s stacked blocks to make their own project in the center and I made sure to get to the chairs before they took those, too. It was on the way back to that spot that I felt the tears coming. I thought to myself, “Oh no, oh no, oh no, here it comes.” I couldn’t stop crying. I stood near that corner, facing the wall with my hands harshly gripping the back of the 4 stacked chairs, my tears falling on the top one’s seat. I turned and saw Ted with his hand on Courtney’s shoulder and pushed out my lower lip to keep from legitimately sobbing. I saw two more stacked chairs near where my original seat was, and sat next to them in the same fashion, holding on to all that was left. Hannah and Manny had seen me with my stack of chairs and they came to stack them onto the two new ones I was at. They were my friends, helping me through it and helping me build myself back up to a place where I could stand on my own. Still crying, I started laughing, now filled with a small bit of hope and joy, and squeezed their hands. Ted came over to put a chair on the stack and something in my chest cracked and I wanted to hurt him. I was so angry, I took his chair and practically threw it at him. I was not going to let him sneak his way back into my life so he could tear me down again. Manny went to get me a shoe and I knew it was a gift to cheer me up, so I put it on my stack of chairs, which had become my sort of altar of strength. Then I followed Hannah over to where Courtney was hiding behind a chair, and on my way Ted waved me over to sit with him and Bridget. I had a moment of hesitation, wondering how to respond, because I did still love him and wanted to believe it had all been in my head. I think if Bridget hadn’t been there to remind me of what he did then I would have gone back to him. But thankfully she was there, so I shook my head and went over to Courtney, eager to help her the way Hannah and Manny had helped me. It stayed with me for a little bit afterwards. I wasn’t mad at Ted, because that was a relationship I had created in my head, but the emptiness and self-blame stuck with me for awhile.
On Wednesday I did the warmup with Ted. The connection was there and stayed there, but was very faint. I wonder what it was like for him because he seemed entranced almost and he made little gasps, as if he was emotionally affected or had been holding his breath. Nothing else really to say about it.
For the first flow session I was stuck behind the blue tape. It was kind of like an Alice mirror. I didn’t know if I could pass through, and I was genuinely terrified to step over the boundary. There were a few times I thought I should step out or put my fingers on the other side but I physically couldn’t. When Almanya and Hannah came over the line I was astounded and frightened. Lizzie was with me, and we followed the blue line until we were able to step our feet over it. Then we explored. The chair I ran to I had been watching from the beginning. It was the chair that had made me want to find my way out from behind the blue tape. Then we explored with the chairs and the board, and I recognized that I was, without trying, using these other objects in ways that made them another type of boundary to hide me from the rest of the world.
The castle one was fun. I was a wild girl in the woods, and quite enjoyed freaking people out as I emerged from my hiding place. I was in love with Ted – not a passionate love, but more of a playful, loyal friendship romance. When Miranda put blocks in the triangle of boards I was furious. I hated her. That was my spot and I had claimed it. When she was standing up and looking out I took her step block away from her and watched smugly, near laughter, when she was scared to get down. I, then, got up on the blocks, and Ted and Almanya found ways up to my level. Almanya and I were frenemies. There wasn’t negative energy between us, but she tried to get Ted’s affection and he would glance at me and I would simply touch the underneath of his forearm with the back of my hand and he would smile apologetically at Almanya. With Jen and Ted we turned the sides into a magical tree palace. At one point Julia was thrusting her music stand at it and I thought she was trying to set it on fire with us inside. They were evil creatures that came out at night. They got our palace open and Ted and I grabbed blocks as weapons to help defend it and push them away. I saw Julia dead, and knelt down with my block and started beating on it. It wasn’t a mourning, but drums of victory – a message to our enemies that one of theirs had fallen. Then I stood and walked away towards Ted who was trying to convince the refugees that we were on their side. It was quite an enjoyable session 🙂 I felt pretty powerful.