First off, the viewpoints flow sessions we did Monday were not connected for me. We did the different warmup, and I definitely wasn’t feeling anybody’s energy. I would encounter people and I couldn’t define our relationships. The only one I got was when I started on the table, Emily was my mother and Julia was my sister. I wanted to know what people thought their relationship was with me, if they could specify anything. I also got caught up in the observing. It’s hard because that’s what’s natural for me. I’m more of an observer in real life so I have a hard time pulling myself out of it once I’ve gotten comfortable there. I like not starting at the wall, but I think that also inhibits me because I’m naturally an introvert and would rather just sit and watch everyone interact rather than be an active participant. So when I start sitting on a table or lying on the floor, I just always want to stay there. It doesn’t help that I wasn’t feeling any energy or connection so I didn’t feel inclined to interact with anybody.
Talking about our relationships for the palace exercise was frustrating. A lot of the things I read are set in medieval times, and I’m obsessed with King Henry VIII and the history of the English monarchy in general and historical fiction and fantasy, so this exercise is right up my alley.There were times when I had to bite my tongue to keep from taking control. I did give some input, but the writer in me had to keep her mouth shut.
Wednesday. That was a train wreck. I had my relationships, and I had everything figured out, but once it actually started I found myself wanting things for everyone else, but not wanting anything for myself. I wanted to help Almanya and Hannah elope. I wanted to help the Queen and keep the Witch away from the Princess. I wanted the Princess to be happy and be with the Prince. Knowing the role of a lady in waiting so well inhibited me because it made me not follow my instincts. It was also hard because I had to remember that I technically couldn’t look through walls. I was all over the place and I recognized while it was all happening, from the beginning, “This is not working.” I would try to get back on track, but I just stayed lost. My brain wasn’t cooperating with me and was in too many places at once. So often I just wanted to walk in the garden and sit in the garden but I knew that if I did that I would stay there, and not be a part of the scene because I knew that nobody would come and interact with me. While the exercise was happening, I said to myself, in my head, “I am an expendable character.” I hope others had an ok experience, because mine was just…not. Not there. It was just not.